5 Signs You’re Too Old for the Club

My 40-something cousin and I were talking about the dating scenes in both our cities. Eventually, we got around to discussing where we spend time outside of work (and the fact that we rarely see eligible men in these places). You won’t find either of us desperately hanging out in sports bars or barber shops hoping to get some random dude’s attention, but you’d find us in these spots before you’d find us at a nightclub.

We agreed that after about 25, it’s time to retire the VIP pass and save the club hopping for special occasions, like bachelorette parties or milestone birthdays. Why? I’ll tell you why. Nobody wants to be the old chick up in the club. How can you tell whether you’re she? Here are my Top 5 signs.

1. You run into someone you used to babysit.
At first you’re happy to run into little Tyler from your old church. You remember when he was playing with Power Rangers and thought girls were yucky. Then, you realize he’s at least 21, and that makes you … slightly depressed and too old to be in the club.

2. You only want to dance to the DJ’s old school set.
You’re tapping your feet when the crowd’s getting hype over some Lil’ Wayne. You bob your head when Ciara sings. You rock a bit to Chris Brown, but when BBD’s “Poison” plays, you’re on the dance floor quicker than Bobby Brown left New Edition. While most of the clubbers take this opportunity to get another drink or use the facilities, you know this is what you’ve been waiting on all night … a chance to do the running man!

3. The music is too loud.
Seriously. Who needs to feel the bass vibrating major bodily organs? Besides, you can’t hear your BFF who’s desperately trying to give you a recap of the week’s “Young & the Restless.” Forget doing the Dougie, you wanna know what’s going on between the Newmans and the Abbotts. Gheez!

4. Everyone calls you ma’am.
You were prepared to get bumped a little in the club. It’s expected, but the fact that everyone is grabbing your arm and making sure you don’t break a hip is cause for alarm. Do they think you’re a senior citizen? Yeah. They do.

5. You want to be home by midnight.
It’s 11:30 and while you’re thinking it’s about time to be heading home, you notice the line outside wrapped around the building and people entering who look like they just left the house. Who starts the evening this late!? Everyone under 25.

Of course, I’m not speaking from experience. I’m just trying to help a SIS or two who may not know when to quit. If three or more of these signs pertain to you, let go of the velvet rope. Retire gracefully.