Archive for December, 2009


Burying the Gold Digger Stereotype

I want to meet the gold diggers. I don’t know these women, but I hear a lot about them. Apparently, they date lots of guys – since several men have mentioned them to me – and these women allegedly place more emphasis on things like cars, one’s income and clothes than they do on what’s inside a person.

It’s worth repeating that I don’t know these women. My friends are Single Independent Sistahs, emphasis on “independent.” They’re not after a guy’s money. Like me, they’ve dated a wide range of guys with varying incomes, from lawyers and realtors to cops and teachers. The single women I know don’t care about cars. We’ve dated drivers of Volkswagens, Toyotas and even one or two dudes carrying bus passes.

So, I tend to get a little defensive when I meet a guy who complains that black women only date men with fancy rims on their cars and diamond-studded watches. That’s just not true, and it’s so far from my reality, I wonder where these guys are finding these women.

Seriously. I’d really like to know where these women are ‘cause I’d like to have a word with them. I’m just a tiny bit peeved about how they behave. Not only are they reinforcing negative stereotypes about black women, but they’re making it that much harder for the rest of us.

I’ve been hearing a lot from different men who are so scared of being taken advantage of by money-hungry sistahs that they throw a side eye at any woman who doesn’t jump to pay the bill on the first date. Yes, it has come to that, and I place at least part of the blame on the ladies with the shovels.

For the gold diggers, I only ask that you don’t misrepresent yourself. There are some men out there who will pay you for your company. They’ll buy you dinner just to be seen with you, and you don’t have to fake like you’re a real independent sistah. Deal with those dudes, not the guys who are looking for substantial relationships.

For the brothers, I want to help point out the difference between a level-headed woman who appreciates chivalry and a bonafide gold digger.

A “good” woman (yes, I’m categorizing myself as such) probably expects for the guy to pay for the first few dates. A gold digger expects him to pay for the dates, her wardrobe, nails and weave.

A genuine girl only continues to go out with men in whom she’s truly interested. A gold digger continues to go out with whoever will feed her and buy drinks for her and her friends.

An independent sistah doesn’t mind picking up the tab occasionally. A gold digger doesn’t mind you picking up the monthly payments on her house.

See the difference?

I hope that helps clarify because this SIS and her friends don’t want to be stereotyped as gold diggers anymore, and if it happens again, I will go find ‘em.


Why Married Women Shouldn’t Feel Guilty

Do my married friends feel guilty because they’re wed, and I’m not? It seems like a ridiculous notion, but I actually came across an article in which a married woman expressed “betrother’s guilt.”

“It’s like survivor’s guilt but it strikes people who’ve partnered up and gotten hitched, leaving their equally deserving single friends with no one to spoon on frigid nights like these.” She asks, “Why should I be blessed with a guy who turns me on and tolerates my considerable freakiness when so many of my hotter, younger, and far nicer friends are still solo-and-searching?” (See entire article.)

Before I reacted to the article, I checked with some of my married friends to gauge how popular this sentiment was.

I’m happy to report that my friends feel no guilt about their married status, and I assured them that they should not.

The reasons why they shouldn’t feel guilt seem obvious. I’d compare it to feeling guilty that you have a house when your friend has a condo. It doesn’t make a whole lot of sense. Does it?

What’s not so obvious are the reasons why a wife would feel guilty about her friend’s single status.

My only assumption is that the writer feels like married is a better state to be in. After all, who doesn’t want to spoon? (That was sarcasm.) As a friend, I guess she wants that “blessing” for her single gal pal, who seems to be ready to settle down. For the writer, it’s probably less like comparing a house to a condo and more like comparing a hoopty to a show-room floor Bentley.

However, this SIS tends to feel like singleness is just a different status, not necessarily an inferior one. I know some single women who agree with me and others who won’t be at peace until they’re hitched.

The truth is that it’s an individual call, but the majority of single women I know aren’t terribly focused on marriage. When it comes to relationships, they are more concerned with meeting a guy that adds something substantial to their lives and will make them even happier. Then and only then is the idea of walking down the aisle even entertained. Whether that does or does not happen, they are living fulfilling lives as solo sistahs.

Yeah, we date in the same way that a professionally satisfied exec might occasionally circulate the resume to see what else is out there. If something just right presents itself, then a new opportunity is welcome. If not, we’re fine just staying where we’re at.


When the Clock Strikes 1

It’s almost time to ring in 2010. (Remember when years used to begin with a 1?) Everyone has different New Year’s traditions. Some folks make sure they’re with family when the clock strikes 12. Others are in prayer at home or at church. Lots of people choose to bid farewell to one year and welcome another while partying with friends.

While this time of year is normally a joyous one, for the SIS, New Year’s Eve can be a stressful time. It’s not just that many have made resolutions that won’t allow them to eat again until June. It’s not just realizing that there may be just a few months left before having to pay off that no-interest-‘til-2010 purchase.

One of the most stressful things about Dec. 31 is the New Year’s Eve kiss.

Honestly, I’ve spent most of my New Year’s Eves at church, so kissing isn’t much of a concern, and that’s a bit of a load off.

The one time I did attend a New Year’s Eve party, it was painfully obvious to me that I should have (1) brought a date or (2) stayed away. However, I was in a long distance relationship at the time, so bringing a kissable date would have been quite a volatile way to ring in the New Year.

The get-together started off nice. In the beginning, I didn’t even notice that everyone was coupled up. However, once the hosts pulled out the Guesstures game, my fifth wheel status became crystal clear. The teams were uneven, and I realized that I was the odd ball.

Suddenly, I felt like a spotlight was shining on me. Although one of the fellas decided not to play so the teams would be evenly matched, I was left feeling like my singular presence presented a problem.

In retrospect, it was probably a good thing that scenario played out ‘cause it alerted me to the fact that midnight was on its way, and while women were moving closer to their respective men, I realized that if I stayed, I’d be standing around watching people smooch their way into Jan. 1, while I … stood around.

So, around 11:30 p.m., I made up an excuse to leave before Dick Clark started the count down. I got to church just in time for the celebration.

I admit. My reaction may have been a little extreme, but everyone was probably going home after their New Year’s kisses, anyway. So, why stick around just to see that?

I haven’t been to a New Year’s party since. I don’t doubt that I will attend one again one day. Whether I’ll have a date or not, I don’t know.

Either way, I’ll think I’ll stick to tradition. That means, ultimately ending up in a church pew where giving out a hug or two is just fine.


Beautification vs. Just Plain Fakin’

While watching the boob tube last night, I got an eye full of them. Scantily clad women appeared on my screen in the form of Victoria’s Secret commercials. The spots promoted bras that would increase a woman’s bust by two whole cup sizes. 

Women have been augmenting their physiques since underwear was invented, but the ads made me question: at what point do push-up bras, girdles and weaves become false advertising?

I’ve heard a lot about how when people first meet, they send a “representative” of themselves. If you curse like a sailor, you may not rip into the expletives when you’re first introduced to someone. If you’re one to dig into crevices on a regular basis (ears, nose, what have you…), you may not practice that habit in front of anyone you’re not comfortable with.

However, since physical attractiveness is one of the things that first draws one person to another, how does offering an outward appearance that is less than genuine affect the relationship?

If a guy meets you, and he’s instantly attracted to your hazel eyes, what happens when you lose the contacts? What happens if the increase-your-bust bra is in the laundry, and you show up to date No. 2 looking considerably less curvaceous?

You may want to get to know someone better before you let him know you sing ‘80s sitcom theme songs in the shower every morning, but when do you reveal that you purchased your round rump online from Target?

Personally, I’d be a little put off if I met a dude wearing a toupee one weekend, and the next weekend he appeared with the standard George Jefferson male-patterned baldness crescent around his head.

It’s not that I necessarily have anything against baldness, but isn’t that a little misleading?

Where does beautification end and just plain fakin’ begin?

Maybe it just depends on who’s looking. I’ve met guys who appreciate realness even if it’s less glamorous, and I’ve met guys with the whatever-makes-her-more-attractive mentality.

As with most things, it’s probably just a matter of being open and honest. Yes, it’s yours even if you bought it, but if it’s something that you have to take off to clean, it might be polite to mention that sooner rather than later.

After all, most people would agree they want a partner who loves the true them, so it might not be a bad idea to show who that true person is … inside and out.

December 2009
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