Is the Down Low Fear Justified?

Most of the time, the paranoia seems irrational. Of course the guy you’re dating is heterosexual, if he wasn’t, he wouldn’t have asked you out. It’s obvious that you’re all woman. You’re not the least bit masculine. OK, sometimes you have to bleach your upper lip, but if your significant other is a fan of facial hair, he’d just date men. Right?

The year is 2010, and same-sex relationships are not as taboo as they were a decade ago. Some would argue that society is finally accepting of homosexuals. Lafayette on “True Blood” is everyone’s favorite character. E. Lynn Harris’ novels continue to fly off shelves. Miss Jay’s runway walk is half of the reason we watch “America’s Next Top Model,” and who doesn’t at least respect RuPaul for his transformative abilities?

So, why are there sistahs out there who turn up the power on their gaydars when they meet new men?

Bishop Eddie Long was recently accused of having sex with men. This is an example of why many women remain skeptical when they meet a guy who doesn’t quite fit all their preconceived ideas of masculinity.

I have a friend who stopped dating a man when she found out he wore a thong. Another SIS ended it with a brother who frequented gyms – often considered the bath houses of the new millennium. Is their paranoia ridiculous? Maybe not.

I don’t know whether Bishop Long is guilty of having sex with men or not, but just the idea that a “good,” God-fearing man could possibly be so deceptive and secretive, fuels the fires for women who are a little more suspicious. If a seemingly upstanding clergyman like Long could be on the down low, then why can’t the womanizer down the street with the pretty eyelashes and skinny jeans be right down there with him?

The fear might be irrational, but it’s real.

Some might suggest that betrayal is betrayal. Heterosexual people cheat on their significant others all the time. Is it so much worse for a down low brother to cheat on his girlfriend?

I’m gonna answer that question in the affirmative. If a heterosexual man cheats on his girl, she’ll likely still feel hurt and betrayed, but she may have the comfort of remembering the good times. However, if a woman learns that the entire relationship was a sham concocted by someone in major denial, I think that’s a devastation of a whole different kind.

Is there a way for sistahs to know for sure that their men actually like women? I guess each SIS has to just trust her own instincts and hope that the truth comes out, even if he refuses to.


4 Responses to “Is the Down Low Fear Justified?”

  1. 1 NaNaNee
    September 24, 2010 at 4:36 am

    Completely agree: when in doubt, trust your instincts and VERY close friends…
    However, there is no reason to run away from a guy because he might go at the gym very often…. Eventhough I think that the thong will be too much for me, LOL.
    If my man or man-to-be cheats on me, I will feel betrayed and hurt….. But if he is a down-low: I will definitely chase him…. The guy is in complete denial and is using me as a cover!!!!!

  2. September 24, 2010 at 10:40 am

    Unfortunately we live in a time when we have to question that kind of stuff regardless. We are no longer sure what or who the masculine men is these days, especially when we find out that these alpha males are also digging men. Yes, we have to question and some times you just won’t know. When all else fails, trust your gut and keep it moving.

  3. 3 Machelle Thomas
    September 24, 2010 at 12:02 pm

    This issue has been going on for a long time with some men keeping it on the down-low.Why can’t you just tell me this, by the way honey I am gay or that I like being a bi-sexual so then I can make a decision right then and there.If I agree with you on this matter or if I am not interested in this type of lifesyle.It is so wrong when we go on deceiving each other about this is how I really am and I am not changing either.Just keep it real!!!

  4. 4 HeteroDON
    September 27, 2010 at 10:46 am

    Well if your man is wearing a thong that is a bad sign. There is no sure fire way to know who to trust, buy if you think something “ain’t right” it probably is (is as in “aint right”).

    I don’t agree there is a such thing as on the down low. In order to be gay at least one other dude has to know and people don’t really keep secrets that well.

    I’ve only seen 3 minutes of Eddie Long on CNN. but he looked like a pimp to me. He even sounded like a pimp with ” I’ve got five rocks and I haven’t thrown one yet” (reach back … smack the ho). He preached his whole sermon before he said anything about the allegations. The only thing he had to say was “that was not me.”

    But she caught me on the counter (It wasn’t me)
    Saw me bangin’ on the sofa (It wasn’t me)
    I even had her in the shower (It wasn’t me)
    She even caught me on camera (It wasn’t me)

    She saw the marks on my shoulder (It wasn’t me)
    Heard the words that I told her (It wasn’t me)
    Heard the scream get louder (It wasn’t me)
    She stayed until it was over

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