Archive for July, 2010

19
Jul
10

Single Doesn’t Mean Desperate


So, there comes a point in your dating life where you realize that the folks around you have lowered their expectations when it comes to what’s a suitable match for you.

Once upon a time, my friends were turning up their noses at guys I dated who they considered “average.’’ Now, if he can walk and is still too young to collect Social Security, I’m expected to swoon at his advances.

All of a sudden instead of being advised to kick a guy to the curb for not returning my phone calls in a timely manner, I’m now encouraged to keep calling until he picks up.

It may seem like the older single woman should be more willing to accept whatever man shows her some interest, but the truth is that after surviving a few horrid relationships and getting real used to living solo, the SIS is less willing to settle for anything other than what she wants. She’s just as discerning as the 20-something with a few more options, if not more so.

That’s not to say she’s unwilling to compromise on things, but the single women I know are definitely not going the extra mile for the attention of men in whom they’re only mildly interested.

Sure, some might suggest that’s why so many women remain single. They don’t sink their claws into the guys who approach them and hold on for dear life. They’re still clinging to some dream of a soul mate with whom they can enjoy a Cosby-esque existence.

It may seem strange to some that when she should seem her most desperate, the older single woman is less worried about a mate than her younger counterparts. That’s because she’s likely seen the results of a bad union. She’s seen friends’ marriages fall apart. She’s been in an unhealthy relationship or two, and she’s pretty certain she knows what will work for her. She’s also built a life that runs pretty well without a better half. Now, that she knows she “can do good all by herself,” doing less than that with someone isn’t an appealing option.

So, a SIS’s apparent apathy toward the unemployed, toothless, cross dressing neighbor who asked her out doesn’t necessarily indicate she doesn’t want to be partnered. It’s that she wants to ensure that anyone she commits to is actually a good match who’s adding something to her already comfortable life.

In short, for the more mature SIS out there who wants a committed relationship, it’s about the right body, not just anybody.

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17
Jul
10

Can Exes Remain Friends?

Can you be friends with a guy after you’ve had a romantic relationship? I’ll admit that I haven’t been able to master this trick. When a man and I decide we’re not going to continue dating, it usually ends there. There are no more calls on birthdays or holidays. We’re not Facebook friends. It’s done.

For me, the only exception has been my college boyfriend who I dated for more than five years. Do I care whether he lives or dies? Yes, that’s why I keep in touch. However, even that friendship is a somewhat weak one. We pretty much keep our communications electronic, and we’ve stopped taking time to visit when we travel to each other’s cities.

So, why is it difficult for people who were once close as Siamese twins to remain friends once the relationship goes platonic?

My guess is that it’s easier for both parties to open up to new romantic prospects if they’re not keeping old fires flickering by staying close to former flames. Reminiscing about first kisses and midnight trips to “the spot” don’t do much for closure.

So, keeping an ex at a distance makes sense.

However, if you spent years building a friendship with someone, learning them and loving them, then it stands to reason that you find some good in that person that’s worth holding onto. Unless, the breakup was as horribly overdramatic as something out of a Tyler Perry movie, you probably have some happy memories and still care.

So, how do you manage your concern for a former romantic interest, make sure that you’re disconnected enough to emotionally move on and still maintain a strong friendship?

I’m hopeful there are successful examples of that out there. I believe that two mature adults can remain friends after a romantic relationship ends. Your ex might not be your BFF, but great friends aren’t easy to come by, so if you can maintain a healthy relationship with someone you care about and who cares about you, it’s probably worth it.

08
Jul
10

3 Reasons ‘Friends With Benefits’ Doesn’t Work

So, I recognize that I can’t speak for every woman in the world. There are females out there who truly don’t mind being a Jump Off and who really do date “like men.” They don’t get emotionally attached to their flings, and move on from them as easily as Nikki Minaj changes wigs.

However, I’d venture to say that not too many women are satisfied with the Friends With Benefits (FWB) relationship. It rarely works. Why not? Here’s my take.

The Next Man: So, you’re in this FWB arrangement when you meet a guy who makes you wanna change your last name, first name and middle name, too. Do you keep things status quo with your buddy while the possible man of your dreams is smacking your ankles with a broom tryin’ to sweep you off your feet? That seems a little shady. Do you end things with FWB right away, or do you simply explain to the new guy that you’re a bit casual with yours, which few good guys consider a selling point? No matter which you decide, it can be a messy transition.

The ‘Other Lover’: When it comes to FWB, the “other lover” who ruins the relationship is the one the guy you’re laying next to might be respectfully courting while he’s treating you more like … his hand. Is he really wining and dining a woman he hopes to be serious about while reaping the benefits of your arrangement? It’s possible, and that gnawing question is often enough to make any SIS go “Fatal Attraction” on a brutha. It’s not that you’re feelin’ him, but that’s just a little disrespectful. No?

The Feelings Factor: Whether he catches feelings or the SIS does, usually one party starts to enjoy the FWB’s time a little more than the other. One’s fantasizing about turning the relationship into something more serious, while the other’s wondering why time outside the bed seems to be increasing. You’ve seen “Boomerang.” Whether you’re Eddie, Halle or Tisha yelling over the back fence, someone gets hurt.

Bottom Line: It takes a special woman to handle the FWB relationship. I’m not knocking those who make it work, and even a committed relationship faces challenges, but if you’re going to have intimate issues with somebody, this SIS thinks it might as well be an honest-to-goodness boyfriend.

03
Jul
10

Are You Dating For Convenience?

When you think about the world 100 years ago — before Southwest Airlines could get you across the country for less than $200, before the Internet enabled minute-by-minute updates on friends who live hours away, when a subscription to National Geographic was the primary way small towners learned about the outside world — it’s easy to understand why a single girl in the early 1900s might end up married to a guy who grew up on the farm right across the road.

It also makes you wonder about modern-day dating. In an age where long-distance relationships should theoretically be a snap, I’ve noticed more and more that men who approach me inquire about where I live almost before they ask me my name.

The last two guys I dated lived no more than five miles away from me. I’m sure they liked me, but how much did proximity have to do with our spending time together?

I’ll admit that when dating guys who lived about an hour away from me, it was a task scheduling blocks of time that would make the time we spent together worth the hours it took to hook up.

I wonder if our unwillingness to date someone who lives more than a quarter-tank of gas away affects our dating options.

I guess in a society where folks spend the majority of the day at work and then try to fit in some “me” moments or time with homies, it fits into people’s schedule better if meeting their objects of affection is only a five minute drive, as opposed to an hour-long ordeal.

However, are we limiting our dating options even more when we look for potential mates with the same zip code, or – like those single folks at the turn of the last century – is it likely that our perfect match is really right down the street?

As a co-worker expressed to me recently, no one said meeting your perfect match would be easy. So, this SIS thinks being open to date people a little farther from home is a good idea. Yes, it might make the days longer, and it might take a little more to keep your tank full as a result, but we’re talking about finding love, not a drycleaner.

Besides, if that person across the bridge or in the next county is truly your perfect match, then the extra effort to spend time together is worth it. Right?




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