Posts Tagged ‘attraction


How Many Dates Does It Take?

How long do you date somebody before you determine that you’re not really interested? A lot of women I know spent years hanging around with the wrong guys in relationships that went nowhere. As a result, many of them are now quick to kick potential suitors to the curb at the first sign of incompatibility. However, we’ve all heard stories from wives who admit they weren’t exactly feeling their now-husbands when they first met.

So, given that chemistry sometimes builds over time, how many dates and phone conversations are necessary before a SIS can truly determine her romantic interest in a guy?

This question came to me as I watched Sheree of “Real Housewives of Atlanta” date a guy she clearly was not feeling. He seemed to think he had it all together, not realizing that she wasn’t impressed. As he offered her unsolicited relationship advice (mainly about how she needed to loosen up), invited her to a dinner that she had to help prepare, and stuck his cookie-dough-covered thumb in her mouth, I wondered, “How much longer is she going to put up with this dude?”

I can only assume that Sheree was (1) bored and had nothing better to do (2) going out with him primarily for the sake of the show or (3) being a great sport and really taking the time to find out if there were sparks.

The season hasn’t ended yet, but if sparks fly, they’re more likely to come from Kandi’s microphone committing suicide after another studio session with tone-deaf songstress Kim. If Sheree and the guy she’s been dating do end up together, it will definitely be a lesson for every SIS out there who’s quick to dismiss. Maybe enduring a few awkward, uncomfortable moments is worth it in the end, if it leads to years of friendship, love and romance. If you have to sit through a couple bad dates and lick a relative stranger’s finger in the process, that’s a small price to pay. Right? LOL. Maybe.


Maybe Black Should Crack

Cracks are bad. It’s bad when you step on them causing back injury to your mother. Smoking crack is bad, and cracking somebody upside the head is just plain wrong, unless it’s a plumber showing too much crack as he bends down to work under your kitchen sink.

So, when Oprah boasts that “black don’t crack,” it’s a compliment. It’s a shout-out to the melanin-blessed whose natural pigment helps protect against harsh sun rays that cause wrinkles and skin cancer.

I love my brown skin and the fact that it allows me to look at least a few years younger than I am, but sometimes I wonder whether it’s a detriment when it comes to certain professional and social situations.

For example, I flew to Atlanta for work last fall and was dressed in a blazer, jeans and high heels. It was a casual Friday look. My former Senior Vice President had on a similar outfit. So, imagine my surprise when the security guard at the building asked me if I was there visiting my parents. It’s been more than 10 years since I lived with my folks, and I’m not sure I’ve ever visited them on their jobs.  I can only assume that he thought I was too young to be there for business. My response to him: “My parents are retired.” That’s the best I could come up with given my shock and the fact that I wanted to remain professional.

Do my youthful looks keep managers from promoting me or giving me more opportunities? The question obviously crosses my mind, especially when higher ups do a double-take when they learn I’m a homeowner with two degrees.

I also wonder how it affects my dating life. On more than one occasion, I’ve met a guy who was older than I thought, and who I almost prematurely dismissed thinking, “He’s probably still in his player stage.” On the flip side, I’m usually approached by fellas who are an average of five years younger.

When I disclosed my age, one youngin’ screeched, “You were born in the ‘70s!?” At least he was good at math.

I’m not sure how much looking young has to do with the professional or dating challenges of the SIS. Like with racism and sexism, being victims of ageism just fuels us all to overcome stereotypes. So, we deal with it. Besides, it beats the alternative.


Can You Control Who You Attract?

I have a friend who complains that she only seems to attract older men, like guys she would probably address as “Mister” if they weren’t hitting on her. Another friend has to beat the married fellas off with a stick, and I’ve noticed that I seem to attract the in-transition guys – the ones who realize their days of playa-hood are almost over, but are trying to squeeze every last drop of it out before settling down.

So, after recognizing a pattern in the sort of people she attracts, a SIS has to ask herself what is it about me that draws these types?

One of my friends theorizes that we sometimes attract what we fear the most. So, if you’re worried about having to support a man, the jobless will find you irresistible. Is there some validity to this? Can we be so focused on what we absolutely do not want that we subliminally attract just that?

I’m not sure, but it would explain why my homie, who’s a sucker for chivalry, continues to pull in the guys who wouldn’t think to open her car door even if she were trapped inside with Cujo.

I do think that when you meet someone who possesses a trait or characteristic you want to avoid, you’re likely to take special note of it. So, it might not be that you’re only attracting your undesirable sorts. It could just be that when they do pay you attention, it knocks you in the face like Debo did Red in “Friday.”

Either way, I’m thinking it’s good to know what you do and don’t want in a friend or potential mate, but it’s probably more beneficial to focus on the positives. It might not improve your options too much, but it’s likely that the people you want to attract are drawn to glass-half-full folks. So, walking into a room thinking about the new friends you’re going to meet with all their wonderful qualities, is probably a better look than just hoping to repel the undesirables.

July 2018
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