Posts Tagged ‘dating rules

11
Feb
11

Does Chilli Have a Valentine?


Check out a few highlights from my interview with Chilli, and get the whole thing here, if you want. 🙂

Tracy: Do you find love on season two?
Chilli: I find some good things. (Laughter) Love takes a while. When you’re mature, it’s rare that you can find love quickly. When you’re young, you don’t really know. You’re just in love with the idea of being in love. So, you’re quick to say “I love you.” It’s too soon.

Tracy: I get it. We have to tune in to find out. So, you do have a Valentine?
Chilli: (Laughs) My favorite Valentine is my son, Tron. I kind of forgot about Valentine’s Day. I have really good ideas for Valentine’s Day. I’m just creative, and I’m a hopeless romantic anyway. It’s not always about buying the most expensive thing, but there are other great things you can do, too.

Tracy: So, you’re going to plan the evening and tell your Valentine where to take you?
Chilli: For me, what I’m doing for that person has nothing to do with what they’re doing for me. I’m the type of female, I don’t think Valentine’s Day is just for the girl. It’s for the guy, too. Women should do things for the person they care about, also. Unless you make a plan together to go on a weekend trip or something.

Tracy: What Valentine’s Day ideas do you have?
Chilli: I’m thinking… I’m thinking… (laughs)

Tracy: Since you mentioned expensive gifts, I have to bring up the Floyd Mayweather thing. Is it normal for him to buy you thousand-dollar items?
Chilli: That’s not an all-the-time thing. For Floyd, people have to understand one thing about him: He doesn’t have to be a significant other for him to splurge on you. Fourteen thousand dollars is like $400 to him.

Tracy: Doesn’t that confuse things?
Chilli: What could confuse things is if we made the mistake of sleeping together. Which, we’ve never done that. I tell chicks when it’s a platonic relationship, you don’t have sex. You don’t have sex with people you’re not going to have a committed relationship with. Sex should not be the thing to lead you to that commitment. It should be the quality of the person.

Read the entire interview here.

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22
Jan
11

Steve Harvey: Thanks, but No Thanks

I don’t want to offend. I know he has a huge following of loyal fans, but the truth is that I feel some type of way about taking advice from Steve Harvey. It’s not really personal, but he is one of the few so-called relationship experts out there who has multiple divorces under his belt. Yes, he’s married now, but let’s be real. As a single woman, do I want his opinion on how I should go about building and sustaining a healthy, loving relationship? Maybe if he makes it to his golden anniversary this time around, I’ll change my tune.

One could argue that he’s speaking from experience. So, maybe his failed marriages have taught him how to make relationships work. However, from what I’ve read of his books and from what I’ve heard him preach, his shtick is more about telling single sistahs what to do to get a man than it is about instructing couples on how to maintain healthy relationships.

I know what you’re thinking. “Girl, you quote Hill Harper all the time, and he ain’t even got one marriage to his name!” True. However, there are at least two significant differences between Hill and Harvey: (1) Hill is the type of guy I might date. He’s attractive. He’s intelligent. He’s single. So, I care a little bit more about his POV; although, I still read his books with the side eye. (2) Hill’s book, “The Conversation,” included lots of other men’s opinions. He didn’t attempt to speak for every man.

However, let me get back to the point. When you’re single, you always have people offering unsolicited advice. Everyone who has somebody – and even those who don’t – think they have it figured out. They know why you’re single and what you can do to “fix” it. Few seem to just accept what you have: you haven’t met the right person yet.

So, you learn to decipher the good advice from the bad. For this SIS, the relationship status of the person and his or her romantic history help determine whether I bother listening. If you’re in what I consider a healthy, long-lasting relationship, I may take heed to what you’re saying. If you’re a man or woman who cheats on your significant other, constantly complains to me about your spouse or has only been with your partner for one or two years, then you fall into another category.

That’s where Harvey is. He’s in that category of counselors whose romantic situation makes me skeptical of what he has to say.

That’s not to suggest there are no tidbits of wisdom in his words; however, as a friend of mine put it, those things he writes that have you nodding in agreement are often just plain common sense.

Whether you’re on Team Harvey or not, I won’t judge. I have friends who’ve found his advice helpful, and he claims that many readers who took it to heart are now in happy relationships.

So, I won’t begrudge him that success (even though I question whether he’s exploiting the lonely black women out there by using their situations to line his pockets). If he’s helping women find happiness, then more power to him.

However, when I have questions about dating and relationships, I think I’ll turn to happily-married couples who’ve stood the test of time for advice.

The truth is that anyone can offer advice – and this blog is proof – but this SIS suggests we make sure to be a little selective about whose tips we follow.

Oh, and watch my interview with Steve. That’s me with the microphone!

20
Dec
10

Are Ugly Men the Answer?

For the record, I don’t actually believe in the concept of “ugly.” Beauty is in the eye of the beholder, so even Boris Kodjoe is hard on somebody’s eyes, and the strongly unattractive probably have something beautiful going on: a nice smile, great eyelashes, healthy skin, etc…

So, my real question is whether or not dating a man who may be rating lower than you on the generally accepted scale of aesthetics is a good idea?

According to this article, which quotes a study in the Journal of Family Psychology, dating a less attractive man may lead to a happier relationship.

“It’s possible that a man who is less attractive than his partner feels so grateful to be with her that he works harder to maintain the relationship, amping up the amount of emotional support and kindness he provides,” says Benjamin R. Karney, Ph.D., a professor of social psychology at UCLA. “Yet a man who is better looking than his partner knows he has lots of other options besides his mate, so he’s less committed to providing the emotional support long term relationships need to thrive.”

If you haven’t seen examples of this in your daily life, look at celebrity couples such as Beyonce and Jay-Z, Heidi Klum and Seal, and Janet Jackson and Jermaine Dupri, who are no longer an item.

Sure, many men assume that these guys won the hearts of these dime pieces because of their money, power and respect. I’m sure that didn’t hurt, but I also have an inkling that these fellas, knowing they might be at a slight disadvantage in the looks department, decided to sweep these women off their feet and treat them like they deserved.

As quiet as it’s kept, that often outweighs attractiveness. If he’s outwardly cute, but treats you like his concubine, instead of his queen, then he turns inwardly ugly real quick.

If his working harder to support you emotionally and be the best partner ever aren’t reasons enough to consider dating that less attractive guy, the article offers another reason.

“…you may find that your not-so-pretty man brings his A-game in the bedroom. ‘What I’ve seen from my clinical practice is that women who are married to men less attractive than them often have happy sex lives most likely because their mate tries harder to please them sexually,’ says Bethany Marshall, Ph.D.”

Since my mom reads this blog, I’m going to leave that right there.

So, while I’m not at all encouraging any SIS to date someone she finds unattractive, the pros of dating a guy who is less than a 10 might actually outweigh the cons, and that might be worth considering if a not-so-bad-looking millionaire man with a broom arrives to sweep you off your feet.

16
Nov
10

Tweaking the Girlfriend Rules for the 30-Somethings

Whether they’re de facto laws, verbally stated or even written down, most people are aware that there are certain rules when it comes to dating. For instance, it’s a violation to bring bridal magazines on the first date, so you and he and begin picking out colors the members of your wedding party will wear. Even if the periodicals are in your purse, don’t actually bring them to your date’s attention. Wait for the second date.

The dating rules between men and women are sometimes convoluted and often depend on the individuals involved and the specific circumstances, but when it comes to rules between friends who are both hunting for potential mates, the rules are hard and fast.

For example, if your best buddy is dating someone, you can’t date that same person.

That seems like a simple enough rule to follow. However, as you get older, the dating game gets tiring, and the pool of potentials shrinks. That’s when 30-something daters start to question whether those friendly rules of engagement should be broken?

Let’s examine a few of these dating rules and determine if they should be revoked.

Rule No. 1: Whoever Sees Him First Has Dibs – So, you’re out at a bar with your regular group, and you see a gorgeous potential spouse walk through the door. You’re mid sip on that drink you just ordered. You’re just about to gulp it down and verbally mark your territory, when your BFF declares, “He’s cute. I want to talk to him.” Now, you not only have a mouthful of martini to swallow, you also have to swallow that lump of disappointment and regret in your throat. The saddest aspect of this scenario is that even if he doesn’t seem too interested in your friend, the line has been drawn. Sadly, you can’t even flirt with him.

Rule No. 2: Approval Is Required – When you’re younger, your friends’ approval means a lot. You need that confirmation. You want to know they’re behind you. However, by the time you’re 30-something, you’ve likely questioned the influence you’ve allowed your friends to have on your life decisions, especially when it comes to dating. Let’s face it. These are the same girls who persuaded you to go out with the cute panhandler who flirts with you daily outside your office building.

What’s rule No. 3? Read the rest of this article here: 

10
Nov
10

Tips From the Hook-Up Handbook

So, I am sort of in the midst of getting hooked up with a random guy. I describe him that way ‘cause so far there’s little to suggest we’d be compatible. I consider it a compliment that the girlfriend responsible wants me to meet this fellow. However, this reminds me of a past situation where I was encouraged to go out with a guy solely based on the fact that we were both single. Honestly, that’s not criterion enough for me to want to meet a guy. So, for future reference, here’s my “I have someone I want you to meet” checklist.

1. We must have something in common (other than being single): Does he like to write? Does he like museums, too? Do we each possess a dry sense of humor? Did we both shock you with our vast knowledge of ‘80s hip hop? If you’ve answered yes to these questions, then maybe I’d like to meet this guy. If the only similarity between us is that neither of us has plans for Valentine’s Day, then I’ll pass.

2. He has to meet your standards: If you know you’d never date this guy, even if you two were the last two living beings on the planet, then please don’t pass him my way. If he’s still living at home, has six children by four different women, and you have cause to question his sexuality, I take back my earlier sentiment about considering the hook up a compliment. I’m now insulted.

3. He has to be 100% single: My life is pretty drama free. Don’t introduce me to the guy who saw me on your Facebook page and asked for a hook up even though he’s still in a situation. I don’t want to create any love triangles or get involved with any guy who’s not only carrying around baggage, but is struggling trying to make room to stuff more crap in. I’ll stay where I am where it’s nice and roomy.

If the guy stands up to these top 3 criteria, I’ll be more than happy to take it from there.

At the risk of never being hooked up again, I’m posting this for every SIS out there who has been set up with a guy only to sit there wondering what in the world your friend was thinking when she decided to match you with him! The truth is that, she probably didn’t give it too much thought. She saw two pleasant single people, and decided to channel her inner Chuck Woolery. Don’t look at it as a personal reflection on you. Just send her this entry to help guide her if you think she might try it again. She’ll get the point.

24
Aug
10

3 Signs He Wants a Jump-Off

Sometimes a SIS is just looking for someone to hang out with and keep her company for a while. Other times, she may be in search of something more substantial – something that might lead to a real honest-to-goodness relationship. However, just because she may be ready for something serious, doesn’t mean the guy who’s showing her interest is. More times than not, he’d be satisfied with something less meaningful.

How can you tell if he’s serious, or if he’s just looking for some fun? A mature guy will be upfront about it, and let you know. Of course, there are also those who like to play games. So, to help decipher what you’re dealing with, here are three ways to distinguish if he’s trying to put you in the jump off category.

Vampire Complex: You call him at noon. He calls you back at 9:30. You want to talk about his day. He wants to discuss plans for your night. When a guy is interested in entering into a serious relationship, he usually won’t mind communicating with you during daylight hours. If you only hear from the new guy while the sun is down, then it’s possible he’s trying to put you into the “booty call” category … or he might be a vampire, but the former is probably more likely.

Mono-Communication Complex: Most folks these days communicate several different ways. In one day, I may talk to a friend on the phone, send e-mails, text and maybe even chat online. If you’re only getting brief text messages, especially if they’re non-specific — like “what’s up?” — then it’s a good chance he really doesn’t care what’s up, and is not at all interested in making any sort of lasting connection with you. With all the different ways to reach out and touch someone, if he’s limiting contact, he may truly be interested in touching you, but not much else.

Homeboy Complex: As two people get more familiar with one another, they often start spending more time together at home. The trips to movie theaters, restaurants, parks and comedy clubs decrease. However, if the new guy’s idea of dating is limited to having you sit on his sofa or visit him in his bedroom (‘cause his roommate is in the living room), then he’s making it pretty clear what sort of activities he wants to share with you. As far as he’s concerned, why bother even getting dressed?

So, if he’s showing some interest, but it seems mild at best, he’s likely indicating that he’s not looking for anything serious. Whether it’s late-night contact limited to one form of communication, or “dates” that allow him to lounge around in undershirts and stretch out on his bed, consider it a sign that he’s looking for something to jump off, but that “something” probably isn’t a relationship.

17
Jul
10

Can Exes Remain Friends?

Can you be friends with a guy after you’ve had a romantic relationship? I’ll admit that I haven’t been able to master this trick. When a man and I decide we’re not going to continue dating, it usually ends there. There are no more calls on birthdays or holidays. We’re not Facebook friends. It’s done.

For me, the only exception has been my college boyfriend who I dated for more than five years. Do I care whether he lives or dies? Yes, that’s why I keep in touch. However, even that friendship is a somewhat weak one. We pretty much keep our communications electronic, and we’ve stopped taking time to visit when we travel to each other’s cities.

So, why is it difficult for people who were once close as Siamese twins to remain friends once the relationship goes platonic?

My guess is that it’s easier for both parties to open up to new romantic prospects if they’re not keeping old fires flickering by staying close to former flames. Reminiscing about first kisses and midnight trips to “the spot” don’t do much for closure.

So, keeping an ex at a distance makes sense.

However, if you spent years building a friendship with someone, learning them and loving them, then it stands to reason that you find some good in that person that’s worth holding onto. Unless, the breakup was as horribly overdramatic as something out of a Tyler Perry movie, you probably have some happy memories and still care.

So, how do you manage your concern for a former romantic interest, make sure that you’re disconnected enough to emotionally move on and still maintain a strong friendship?

I’m hopeful there are successful examples of that out there. I believe that two mature adults can remain friends after a romantic relationship ends. Your ex might not be your BFF, but great friends aren’t easy to come by, so if you can maintain a healthy relationship with someone you care about and who cares about you, it’s probably worth it.




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