Posts Tagged ‘church


Is the Down Low Fear Justified?

Most of the time, the paranoia seems irrational. Of course the guy you’re dating is heterosexual, if he wasn’t, he wouldn’t have asked you out. It’s obvious that you’re all woman. You’re not the least bit masculine. OK, sometimes you have to bleach your upper lip, but if your significant other is a fan of facial hair, he’d just date men. Right?

The year is 2010, and same-sex relationships are not as taboo as they were a decade ago. Some would argue that society is finally accepting of homosexuals. Lafayette on “True Blood” is everyone’s favorite character. E. Lynn Harris’ novels continue to fly off shelves. Miss Jay’s runway walk is half of the reason we watch “America’s Next Top Model,” and who doesn’t at least respect RuPaul for his transformative abilities?

So, why are there sistahs out there who turn up the power on their gaydars when they meet new men?

Bishop Eddie Long was recently accused of having sex with men. This is an example of why many women remain skeptical when they meet a guy who doesn’t quite fit all their preconceived ideas of masculinity.

I have a friend who stopped dating a man when she found out he wore a thong. Another SIS ended it with a brother who frequented gyms – often considered the bath houses of the new millennium. Is their paranoia ridiculous? Maybe not.

I don’t know whether Bishop Long is guilty of having sex with men or not, but just the idea that a “good,” God-fearing man could possibly be so deceptive and secretive, fuels the fires for women who are a little more suspicious. If a seemingly upstanding clergyman like Long could be on the down low, then why can’t the womanizer down the street with the pretty eyelashes and skinny jeans be right down there with him?

The fear might be irrational, but it’s real.

Some might suggest that betrayal is betrayal. Heterosexual people cheat on their significant others all the time. Is it so much worse for a down low brother to cheat on his girlfriend?

I’m gonna answer that question in the affirmative. If a heterosexual man cheats on his girl, she’ll likely still feel hurt and betrayed, but she may have the comfort of remembering the good times. However, if a woman learns that the entire relationship was a sham concocted by someone in major denial, I think that’s a devastation of a whole different kind.

Is there a way for sistahs to know for sure that their men actually like women? I guess each SIS has to just trust her own instincts and hope that the truth comes out, even if he refuses to.


The Church Factor: Helpful or Hurtful?

I participated in an online discussion recently, and this question was raised: Is the church one reason so many black women are single?

The answer to this question should probably be determined on a case-by-case basis. It’s possible that someone’s devotion to religious activities might keep her too busy to worry about romance, but I doubt that’s the norm. I’d argue that any divide between the church-going SIS and a fulfilling romantic relationship has more to do with that Christian woman’s spiritual standards and less to do with the actual church itself.

In my experience, the church doesn’t encourage women to remain single. I’ve found most focus the majority of their ministries on supporting marriage and family. However, it does advise Christians to live in a way that’s often contrary to society’s norms. The most obvious example would be that of premarital sex. While, it’s a popular and accepted practice these days (so much so that even adolescents on Teen Nick are with child or visiting the clinic for STD vaccines), many Christians believe that sex should be saved for marriage.

How many single men wanna hear that (… or women, for that matter)?

I’ve also met women who won’t date divorced men because these sistahs don’t believe the Bible condones it. Then, there are the lifestyle differences. If a woman is giving the church 10% of her income, it’s probably best she marry a man who also participates in tithing. If she doesn’t drink alcohol or listen to secular music, these lifestyle choices based on her beliefs, will likely greatly decrease her dating pool.

So, a Christian SIS may have certain standards that others, who have no spiritual expectations for their partners, might not have. The same goes for members of any religious faith.

While it may be true that one’s preference for a partner of a specific faith may limit her dating options, this SIS doesn’t think that the problem is with any particular belief system or religious institution.

It’s just another thing that helps determine when you’ve met “the one.” It’s something else you’ll share with your partner that indicates he might be Mr. Right.

July 2018
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