Single Doesn’t Mean Desperate

So, there comes a point in your dating life where you realize that the folks around you have lowered their expectations when it comes to what’s a suitable match for you.

Once upon a time, my friends were turning up their noses at guys I dated who they considered “average.’’ Now, if he can walk and is still too young to collect Social Security, I’m expected to swoon at his advances.

All of a sudden instead of being advised to kick a guy to the curb for not returning my phone calls in a timely manner, I’m now encouraged to keep calling until he picks up.

It may seem like the older single woman should be more willing to accept whatever man shows her some interest, but the truth is that after surviving a few horrid relationships and getting real used to living solo, the SIS is less willing to settle for anything other than what she wants. She’s just as discerning as the 20-something with a few more options, if not more so.

That’s not to say she’s unwilling to compromise on things, but the single women I know are definitely not going the extra mile for the attention of men in whom they’re only mildly interested.

Sure, some might suggest that’s why so many women remain single. They don’t sink their claws into the guys who approach them and hold on for dear life. They’re still clinging to some dream of a soul mate with whom they can enjoy a Cosby-esque existence.

It may seem strange to some that when she should seem her most desperate, the older single woman is less worried about a mate than her younger counterparts. That’s because she’s likely seen the results of a bad union. She’s seen friends’ marriages fall apart. She’s been in an unhealthy relationship or two, and she’s pretty certain she knows what will work for her. She’s also built a life that runs pretty well without a better half. Now, that she knows she “can do good all by herself,” doing less than that with someone isn’t an appealing option.

So, a SIS’s apparent apathy toward the unemployed, toothless, cross dressing neighbor who asked her out doesn’t necessarily indicate she doesn’t want to be partnered. It’s that she wants to ensure that anyone she commits to is actually a good match who’s adding something to her already comfortable life.

In short, for the more mature SIS out there who wants a committed relationship, it’s about the right body, not just anybody.


7 Responses to “Single Doesn’t Mean Desperate”

  1. 1 SistahEsq
    July 19, 2010 at 12:58 pm

    Preach! *sittin in a hot church waving my MLK fan*

    The older I get the more I know myself and what’s best for me. The older I get, the more my experiences have shown me what’s not best for me. And the older I get, the less tolerant I become of nonsense. If I’ve waited this long, why would I settle for anything less than exactly what I want. No settling here. I’m good.

  2. 2 JustMe
    July 20, 2010 at 8:37 am

    Cosign 1000%! I’ve been married before and know now that what I don’t want is just as important as what I do want in a man/relationship. I’m quick to chuck the deuces if I’m not feeling somebody after a date or two because it’s not worth wasting my time or his. I still hope to get married again someday but I’m definitely not settling this time around!

  3. 3 T. M. Johnson
    July 20, 2010 at 1:57 pm

    I feel you about some of your friends “expecting you to swoon” at every man that passes your way. I’m on no one’s timetable but my own.

  4. 4 blackbarbiekj
    July 20, 2010 at 2:31 pm

    Right on point… AGAIN!
    Unemployed, toothless… LOL. Those men do exist and are definately trying to holla!
    Keep the topics coming!

  5. 5 FitandFreePhx
    July 23, 2010 at 5:31 pm

    You said it. My mom used to say that a piece of man is better than no man at all. I completely disagree. Being in the WRONG relationship is hellish. Compromise, yes; settling, no. I recently saw a friend who had only been married a few days, and she looked unhappy already — snapping at him, etc. Good luck with that. I’m not holding out for Mr. Perfect, because no one is perfect, but not going down a wrong path deliberately just to be in a relationship with someone. I just decided to cut off a tall, handsome, very smart brother because he has more issues than a Sephora store has lipsticks; he knows this about himself but can’t break through his own B.S. I’ll be his friend but not his emotional target practice to see if he can “get it right” this time on me. Ah, no thanks.

  6. 6 Rina Hutajulu
    August 5, 2010 at 5:02 am

    Agree, we don’t wear jeans that don’t fit us at all, don’t we? ^^

  7. 7 Alonesometimeslonelybutwillbeok
    December 29, 2010 at 12:30 pm

    Amen. I’m here to say DO NOT SETTLE…ever! My story? For 12 years after my divorce, I was alone (I rarely dated. No one ever asked me and those those did generally only wanted one thing). Then at age 40 and facing an empty nest, I decided to be “pro-active” and look for a man. Well as they say be careful what you wish for! I got a man alright…and it took me the better part of a decade to extricate myself from this guy. It didn’t help matters that most of my friends were telling me to ‘give him another chance’ and that I was just “set in my ways.” Things got worse and worse. While I was with this guy I stopped going to church and stopped doing a lot of things I loved. So busy I was trying to help him improve himself…but to no avail. In the end it was clear he would never change. I started going back to church, and a month later we broke up. It’s been 7 months…and so far no one else has asked me out, not ever for a coffee. I’m facing 50 in 2 months and sometimes I feel sad, lonely, and very much like a failure, but I’m determined to stay the course. I’ve learned the hard way better to be alone and lonely than to be in a “relationship” and still lonely. I figure if it’s truly God’s will that I re-marry, I will but until then I will continue to soldier on, pray and do what it takes to make myself worthy in God’s sight. To me that’s all that matters now.

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