Deciphering a Dude’s Decor

I got a last-minute invitation to a guy’s house party the other night, and while I was sitting in the living room of one of the most stylish homes I’ve ever visited, it dawned on me that you may be able to deduce a little something about a man’s relationship readiness by taking a look at his living space.

I don’t have it down to a science, but here’s what I’ve been able to discern thus far:

Bachelor Pad: This one hardly needs explaining. The DVD rack is filled with porn movies. There’s a pin-up calendar in the bathroom (hanging over the toilet). A red light bulb barely illuminates the bedroom. There’s only whipped cream and chocolate syrup in the refrigerator. The nightstand drawer is dedicated solely to “toys” and protection, and when you clap your hands, R. Kelly starts singing “Seems Like You’re Ready.” Ummm. Exit.

Under Construction:
In this economy, a lot of folks are moving into fixer-uppers. So, it’s not uncommon to visit someone whose house is under construction, and a lot of handy guys try to Tim Taylor it and do the work themselves. In my case, the guy I dated wrecked his kitchen, living room and basement. The house was a little less than comfortable … except for upstairs. His bedroom was just about the only place in the house where he could “entertain” without the threat of plaster falling on the skulls of his guests and sending them to the nearest emergency room. He was prepared for intimacy, but was having trouble putting as much time and effort into other significant areas of his house. That accurately reflected his relationship readiness.

Room for One: He has one Lazy Boy in the living room and a folding chair in the corner. He’s got one controller for his video game console. His car is a two-seater and the passenger side seat always needs to be cleaned off before you can sit down. The only working light source in his bedroom is on the nightstand nearest him. To be comfortable there, you’d basically have to pack like you were going on a camping trip in the wilderness. Toilet paper? Check. Eating utensils? Check. Blanket? Check. Basically, there’s really no room for you, and it hasn’t dawned on him that his place is a flashing “Vacancy” sign. No, not vacant meaning make yourself at home and stay awhile; vacant better describes his emotional availability. Like his place suggests, don’t look for much comforting here.

Ready for Love?: It doesn’t mean he’s got a diamond ring on layaway, but when you visit a guy whose place is fully furnished, comfy and well kempt, he might be a little more ready for commitment. You walk in and you can imagine yourself cooking him dinner in the kitchen, curling up on the couch watching TV, hosting a dinner party and decorating the Christmas tree. Oh, and that spot right over the fireplace would be perfect for your wedding portrait. LOL. OK. That might be taking it a little too far, but if you look forward to spending time at his place as opposed to trying to find ways to avoid it, he’s probably given some thought into what makes a house a home and that’s promising.


2 Responses to “Deciphering a Dude’s Decor”

  1. June 1, 2010 at 9:22 pm

    Yeah then there are the neat freaks, who are so anal about everything. If you forgot the coaster they are about to have a fit. They cringe at you leaning on their perfectly fluffed pillows and have stupid signs on the door telling you to remove your shoes (but they never do so at anyone elses because they don’t want to be barefoot). Yepper I know one like that. If something breaks and is fixable he will throw it anyway and complain he has no money. This fool has gotten rid of dishes and silverware because one piece was missing out of the set. He actually liked the carpet in his bathroom.

    Peace, Love and Chocolate

  2. 2 Rina Hutajulu
    June 14, 2010 at 11:48 pm

    I hope the well furnished man allow me to sit on his leather sofa, and anyway, my bf need to read this LOL

    warm regards,

    Rina 😉

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