In Defense Of Miss Independent

I was in a chat room recently, and while the participants were responding to the recent omnipresent news about the large number of single, professional sistahs, someone suggested that if women want to attract a man, they need not boast their independence.

Obviously, this comment struck a chord with me. I had to question, “What’s wrong with being proud of one’s independence?”

To me, being an independent woman means that you’re comfortable caring for yourself. You’re paying your own bills, feeding you and yours, holding down at least one job and keeping your home in order. Granted, that may not exactly be a selling point to every guy, but it’s certainly nothing to hide. Why shouldn’t an adult be able to care for herself?

I guess there is some room for clarification, though. Just because a woman is independent doesn’t mean there’s no room in her life for a man. Trust me. If there’s a guy willing to hang that picture or unclog that drain, most women would gladly hand over the hammer and Mr. Plumber.

However, knowing I can take care of myself means that when I do meet Mr. Right, I’ll be focused on his character, our compatibility and how he makes me feel, not so much on how many dirty jobs he can handle or the salary he’s bringing to the table. What I’d want from him is what only he could provide, not what I could hire a handyman to do.

If the day comes when this SIS settles into a serious relationship, it won’t be because I’m dependent on a man, but it will be because I met one in particular that I want to share my life with. Then maybe, his smile, sense of humor, listening ear and encouraging words are the things I’d become dependent on.


5 Responses to “In Defense Of Miss Independent”

  1. 1 Leslie
    January 26, 2010 at 4:40 pm

    Love it! Nothing wrong with being capable!

  2. 2 M. Anthony
    January 26, 2010 at 4:55 pm

    Men, at their core, love to solve problems. It affirms their relationship-value. Actually, built within everyman is the need to provide for. (Nevermind the dead-beat-dads. I’m talking about REAL men!) Men, if they’re not valued in a relationship for their contribution, begin to feel frustrated and (as quiet as kept) feel worthless–as far as the relationship is concerned. (Sad but true)

    Yes women have the vibrant capacity to be and live independently. This is where men feel intimidated. If there isn’t a need for him to contribute in her life; if he can bring no value according to his contributions; if he cannot find a way to provide in that environment, then in his mind the easier the relationship can sever. And a man, just like women, do desire long term relationships. And though a woman just may “want” him around because of his intellect and to reach the shoes on top of the shelf….but that’s it, devalues his potentiality. Men would like to contribute more. Just like there’s “job-security”, their potential and necessity is like “relationship-security.” (Men know this, but don’t admit it)

    Thus, it becomes a challenge for the SIS. She doesn’t want to lower her standards to become a ditz, just to stroke a man’s ego. She doesn’t want to create a need either, especially when there is none. And I’m not talking being doing a 180 and being “needy” either. I think there’s a balance. To say, “Hey, I could REALLY use you around. But don’t get it twisted! My life does not revolve around you!” (See Jill Scott’s song, “The Fact Is, I Need You”)

    From a dude’s perspective, I can only recommend humility. (gasp!) In this day and age, nobody likes to hear that word, but I think for the “good-souls” out there, it works! Pride is the opposite of humility. Pride focuses on me first. Humility says “You first!” Pride says, “I got mine! Show me what’chu got!” Humility says, “Nevermind me. How you dooon?”

    I think if SIStuh’s (AND bruh’s) would be humble in their singleness, and be willing to allow themselves to be vulnerable (with the RIGHT person) true love can develop.

  3. 3 Vivian
    January 27, 2010 at 12:32 pm

    This is an interesting debate. I was listening to the Michael Basen(sp?) show the other day, trust me that is NOT an everyday occurrence, and he posed the same question. Of course, he and his male callers felt women were being TOO independent, and quick to say, “I don’t need a man.” He also said women were too picky. Again, I’m not sure what too picky means. I assume it means having certain reasonable standards and not compromising. At the point where he said that women should focus more on a man’s character and called women out for not doing that, I changed the channel. I was laughing so hard at his hypocrisy that I was scared I’d crash my car.

    I personally believe that nowadays everyone has unrealistic expectations of what a relationship should be. We’ve ALL (men and women) bought into the Cinderella story. A relationship can’t and shouldn’t sustain your every hope and dream.

  4. 4 Machelle Thomas
    January 27, 2010 at 6:00 pm

    I have been a Miss.Independent for many,many years and it has really made me to be a stronger woman in my lifetime so,I am very proud to have this and to know this as well!but I have always stuck to this make sure you have your own anytime you are going into a relationship because I feel that some males,when you don’t have anything they will evenually throw it back into your face.

  5. 5 blackbarbiekj
    January 28, 2010 at 4:20 pm

    I mean what is it with people? LOL!!!!!

    One minute the radio is blasting “Miss Independent” lyrics…

    I pay my own bills…I buy my own shoes… I kill my own spiders

    But then folks are QUICK to blast a sista for holding her own.

    If we didn’t hold our own, who would?

    My mother taught me to be INDEPENDENT at ALL times… and that includes the married sistas too… your hubby could leave you, get sick or just plain kick the bucket (DIE) then what you going to do????

    I thought men wanted an INDEPENDENT lady…

    I agree with the writer… just because you are independent it doesn’t mean that you don’t have room in your life… you just taking care of yours and at the end of the day, what choice do you really have? LOL.

    And you can be married and / or in a relationship and still be INDEPENDENT….just cause you seeing someone doesn’t mean he is taking care of you and do you really want to be taken care of?

    2 thumbs up for ALL my independent sistas… married, single, engaged, dating….


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