Single Doesn’t Mean Desperate

So, there comes a point in your dating life where you realize that the folks around you have lowered their expectations when it comes to what’s a suitable match for you.

Once upon a time, my friends were turning up their noses at guys I dated who they considered “average.’’ Now, if he can walk and is still too young to collect Social Security, I’m expected to swoon at his advances.

All of a sudden instead of being advised to kick a guy to the curb for not returning my phone calls in a timely manner, I’m now encouraged to keep calling until he picks up.

It may seem like the older single woman should be more willing to accept whatever man shows her some interest, but the truth is that after surviving a few horrid relationships and getting real used to living solo, the SIS is less willing to settle for anything other than what she wants. She’s just as discerning as the 20-something with a few more options, if not more so.

That’s not to say she’s unwilling to compromise on things, but the single women I know are definitely not going the extra mile for the attention of men in whom they’re only mildly interested.

Sure, some might suggest that’s why so many women remain single. They don’t sink their claws into the guys who approach them and hold on for dear life. They’re still clinging to some dream of a soul mate with whom they can enjoy a Cosby-esque existence.

It may seem strange to some that when she should seem her most desperate, the older single woman is less worried about a mate than her younger counterparts. That’s because she’s likely seen the results of a bad union. She’s seen friends’ marriages fall apart. She’s been in an unhealthy relationship or two, and she’s pretty certain she knows what will work for her. She’s also built a life that runs pretty well without a better half. Now, that she knows she “can do good all by herself,” doing less than that with someone isn’t an appealing option.

So, a SIS’s apparent apathy toward the unemployed, toothless, cross dressing neighbor who asked her out doesn’t necessarily indicate she doesn’t want to be partnered. It’s that she wants to ensure that anyone she commits to is actually a good match who’s adding something to her already comfortable life.

In short, for the more mature SIS out there who wants a committed relationship, it’s about the right body, not just anybody.

Are You Dating For Convenience?

When you think about the world 100 years ago — before Southwest Airlines could get you across the country for less than $200, before the Internet enabled minute-by-minute updates on friends who live hours away, when a subscription to National Geographic was the primary way small towners learned about the outside world — it’s easy to understand why a single girl in the early 1900s might end up married to a guy who grew up on the farm right across the road.

It also makes you wonder about modern-day dating. In an age where long-distance relationships should theoretically be a snap, I’ve noticed more and more that men who approach me inquire about where I live almost before they ask me my name.

The last two guys I dated lived no more than five miles away from me. I’m sure they liked me, but how much did proximity have to do with our spending time together?

I’ll admit that when dating guys who lived about an hour away from me, it was a task scheduling blocks of time that would make the time we spent together worth the hours it took to hook up.

I wonder if our unwillingness to date someone who lives more than a quarter-tank of gas away affects our dating options.

I guess in a society where folks spend the majority of the day at work and then try to fit in some “me” moments or time with homies, it fits into people’s schedule better if meeting their objects of affection is only a five minute drive, as opposed to an hour-long ordeal.

However, are we limiting our dating options even more when we look for potential mates with the same zip code, or – like those single folks at the turn of the last century – is it likely that our perfect match is really right down the street?

As a co-worker expressed to me recently, no one said meeting your perfect match would be easy. So, this SIS thinks being open to date people a little farther from home is a good idea. Yes, it might make the days longer, and it might take a little more to keep your tank full as a result, but we’re talking about finding love, not a drycleaner.

Besides, if that person across the bridge or in the next county is truly your perfect match, then the extra effort to spend time together is worth it. Right?

Do Soul Mates Really Exist?

Folks say there’s some truth to every joke. So, when a TV host recently rebutted the idea of soul mates, I wondered: Is there such a thing? His take, “It doesn’t exist. Find someone you can tolerate. Keep it simple. Find someone you can sleep next to without throwing up and marry them.”

If he’s right, then a lot of single people out here waiting for “the one” may be holding out for an ideal that doesn’t exist.

So, what does that mean? Should a SIS not be looking for a yin to her yang? Is it self sabotage to want a guy who is a perfect match? Is it too much to ask to meet someone you’re actually excited about, as opposed to just someone who’s tolerable?

If those are all unrealistic expectations, then maybe the TV host is right, and the concept of a soul mate is as ridiculous as the idea that Prince Charming will show up on a white horse with a bouquet of flowers to whisk his princess off to Happily Ever After.

So, once again, I turned to my own personal wives club for their take. Have my homegirls with husbands actually found their soul mates, and if so, how did they know “he” was “the one”?

The unanimous answer from my friends with ring bling was that soul mates are a reality. The word “effortless” popped up a few times to describe such a relationship. According to them, it should be comfortable, like chillin’ with a BFF.

Danielle, who has been married for nearly a decade, said, “You want to share EVERYTHING going on in your life with that person because you KNOW he will just get it! In short, if this person could be/is your best friend, then he’s the one for you.”

Denise, who’s going on nine years, described a soul mate as, “A person who loves you when you’re at your best, and still loves you just as much when you’re at your worst.”

Awww. Sweet. Right?

I’d say that belief in this sort of “soul mate” is a positive thing for singles. If not, then what’s your litmus test for potential mates? If acceptable and tolerable are the only requirements, then you may be selling yourself a bit short.